perhaps. distance does heal all wounds. it is best not to know, not to care and not to even come face to face.

what a loser. always getting myself played into shit like this and then shaken so hard. its time to take a step back and move on young man. admit defeat with grace. its not that serious. thats right. cos it wasnt even serious right from the beginning.

she has found someone else and so be it. i know she will be well. she always has been. thats all that matters.

Thanks for the party everyone. it was a memorable 21st.

finally. that coveted class 3 motorcar license. call it riding on my luck or whatsoever. point is, i am so so glad i passed most primarily because of the potential cost savings that i get to enjoy.
seriously, driving is a pricey curriculum to pick up. cost me a bomb in a matter of 9 months for that small little card-sized certification just to get behind the wheel.

so. what a relief. yayyy.

but somehow you feel that greater sense of responsibility once you are officially inaugurated into the qualified drivers' group. the responsibility not only for your own life but others' as well, be it your own passengers or the pedestrains traversing the roadsides. sounds kinda cliche. but the thing is we often do not realise how important it is to be a safe driver until accidents happen. lives could be lost and whats left is a lifetime of guilt. or in more unfortunate cases, you yourself could even get killed. we can speed all we want and drive reckless, if that makes you look cool, makes you feel invincible, or gives you that sort of adrenalin on the roads that you thought only race car drivers could enjoy. but when all this eventuate in wreckage and a heap of contorted steel, you can only look back with contrition on your moment of folly. yes. shit does happen. we all know that.

i swear i will be a safe driver, and hope i will keep to my promise in time to come. this post shall vouch for that.

Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on, 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day, 'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure, And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on, 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

life has been kinda peaceful and quietened down once again. what i had longed for is no more, and i will just have to live with that. wrong time, wrong person, false hopes. there is no point harping about what could have been any more. she will never turn back when there are still so many possibilities and options open to her. everyone has got to move on right? if she is coping so well with that, why am i making it so hard for myself?

it takes time. but i will try. perhaps, distance does heal all wounds.

have been doing a bit of a reflection nowadays. probably attributed to the various turn of events brought upon me these days. had a little chat with gary during work that day. an avenue for R & R in the face of the mundane work taskings hehe. and topic of the conversation revolves around the GLAM CLAN; group of teenagers these days who stick together in pursuit of glamour. i mean, whats up with teens these days? attributed to the lucrative economic growth of the nation, it is almost ubiquitous that Singaporean teens of the modern era lead a materialistically comfortable life off the riches of their parents. and by that, it commonly ensues the pursuit of brands and an enchanted lifestyle in the eyes of others, obsessive with class and being the proverbial "cool" guy or gal out there who are deemed to be revered and admired by others. a fashionable high class socialite way of living if you would put it. clubs, pubs, lavish dining, posh cars, LV handbags, Gucci shades, Armani Xchange wear; these are somehow more and more commonly associated with young ladies and gentlemen of mere 20 or 21 years of age. my age. those who own it flaunt it, those who don't own any go to great lengths to acquire it just to look good and feel good. truth is, the societal norm is set and we are unadulterated followers of the trend. practicality seemed to have been thrown out of the window and in its place the desire for exorbitant "glamour". as a matter of exemplary fact, it is not hard to find clubbers who club not genuinely for the love of music and dancing but rather to be involved in the perceivedly "cool" clubbing culture. girls are nicely dolled up to look good, go wild and attract the attention of some cute guy on the dance floor, while guys, being the hormonally raging sex as we are, are just out to hook up some chicks. acts of indecency could suddenly become so nonchalantly natural under the dim lightings and trance of the music and seemingly excusable because of the effect of alcohol, and undesirable consequences subsequently beared could even be brushed aside with the "its only in the name of fun so don't take it to heart" notion.

values are somewhat degraded in the wake of this pursuit of teenage glamour. this urge to be different. this eagerness to stand out. quoting from real life examples, we somehow lose hold of our family ties, something that we used to hold dear to our heart from the very day we step into this world. independence you might call it; but when friends take over the place family have in your heart because you feel more at ease among your friends who share common beliefs with you, seek the same fun as you sought and live the same eventful lifestyle you desire, that is merely renewed dependence, a dependence on your friends whom you feel a sense of belonging to; the same sort of dependence that makes a baby stick with the mother all day long. truth is, family are often the disagreeing ones because they really care and want the best for you, while friends are often the agreeing ones just because they hate to disappoint. but we choose to distant ourselves from families on the basis of such dissensions and turn to outsiders for recognition and assurance of the things we do, regardless of right or wrong, and lose ourselves to such external influence. it is a calamity when parties, clubs, boozing and chill out sessions exclusively preclude the spending of quality time back home together with the family. staying home to watch dvds together with Mum and Dad in the comfort of the couch has suddenly become "unglam" and "boring" to some, with movie outings together with a friend the preferred chosen alternative. it seems as though we can hardly find our belonging in the family anymore and conveniently attribute that to the supposed lack of support and love given to our struggling selves back at home, simply because we didnt even bother trying to understand the genuine good willed intentions of our parents and give a damn about how they feel when we choose to be the lonesome reclusive self the moment we are back at home; and unremittingly seeking fun, company and excitement out of the house whenever we have the chance to.

are we even trying?

can we really find peace with ourselves basking in such presumptive glamour and captivating way of life, or are we just fitting in at the expense of the people and things we should truly hold dear to our heart? the responsibilty for your own actions, your accountability to others, the sympathetic heart, the moral uprightness, thriftiness, humility, honesty and truthfulness, practicality, discerning mind and contentment... we could all be losing such virtues bit by bit.

its over when it hasnt even began.

again.

i couldnt make her see it. what i have tried to give was never enough. what i wanted to take proved to be too much. she wants to be pampered, wants to be loved, wants to be given everything even if it means returning nothing.

i couldnt do that.

i had lost the courage to.

i was hurt once. for giving too much. for not expecting anything in return. for believing making her happy was all that matters at the expense of my own. i was slapped with the harsh truth that she never equates my actions to love worth giving for. right in my face. never. i started telling myself i was foolish. i was naive. i was plain nice. so nice it bores the hell out of her. i had lost that belief. i thought i would never ever do such things again. never.

and then i met her. 2 years down the road.

something was rekindled in me. i was finding that "foolish" side of me again. things that i have done made me realise its hard for a person to change. but this time round i was afraid that history is gonna repeat itself. i needed an assurance. i admit i do. that all i have done will at least bring me that tiny step closer to the heart. i wanted to know she was happy then. but i couldn't make her see it.

unconditional? you question what. you question how. you question why.

but now you will never find an answer anymore. it has ended just as it has begun. ehh no. there was probably never a beginning in the first place.

i think i've already lost you.

if God was the one who brought me to you, then God has just taken me away from you.

wish you well girl.

please spare me the pain if its gonna happen again.

cos i think i've already lost you.

if there's a time i will ever learn.

let it be now.