its over when it hasnt even began.

again.

i couldnt make her see it. what i have tried to give was never enough. what i wanted to take proved to be too much. she wants to be pampered, wants to be loved, wants to be given everything even if it means returning nothing.

i couldnt do that.

i had lost the courage to.

i was hurt once. for giving too much. for not expecting anything in return. for believing making her happy was all that matters at the expense of my own. i was slapped with the harsh truth that she never equates my actions to love worth giving for. right in my face. never. i started telling myself i was foolish. i was naive. i was plain nice. so nice it bores the hell out of her. i had lost that belief. i thought i would never ever do such things again. never.

and then i met her. 2 years down the road.

something was rekindled in me. i was finding that "foolish" side of me again. things that i have done made me realise its hard for a person to change. but this time round i was afraid that history is gonna repeat itself. i needed an assurance. i admit i do. that all i have done will at least bring me that tiny step closer to the heart. i wanted to know she was happy then. but i couldn't make her see it.

unconditional? you question what. you question how. you question why.

but now you will never find an answer anymore. it has ended just as it has begun. ehh no. there was probably never a beginning in the first place.

i think i've already lost you.

if God was the one who brought me to you, then God has just taken me away from you.

wish you well girl.

please spare me the pain if its gonna happen again.

cos i think i've already lost you.

if there's a time i will ever learn.

let it be now.

phuket.

Phuket, Thailand 14/05/08 - 17/05/08.

a rather memorable chapter in the lives of 4 young men.

this 4.

shopping, massage, jet ski, bangla street, "okay what callaar (colour)", "tuk tuk", "free show", "agogo", "you name me best price", "masssaggggggg", BOA and elva hsiao look-alike tranvestites, the nam the pong and the nonggg...

its a motherfucking unforgettable trip in both the right and wrong ways.

chew's near-death experience with the jet ski. haha. i will never forget that look of trauma on his face when he finally hit the shore. and my own, adrenaline pumping all the fears aside as we invincibly cut the giant waves at full speed and flew sky high. landed on my neck unfortunately. a hard hit. but it was worth it.

BANGLA STREET! what is geylang compared to here man. free show agogo! i admit. raging hormones did bring us into a couple of showcases afterall. that cheebye thai fuckhead's attempt to con us on the first night will go down as a blemish to the otherwise eye-opening experience.

suzy wong still the best. haha. but thong's high moral values and loyalty to his supposed girlfriend was quite a turn off on that night. okay larh mood spoiler to put it more aptly. not like we are gonna home run the showgirls what right. just know your limits we thought. even chew's getting on a high eventually. wasted. no fun. not enough. but no way back.

and the countless irritating shopowners lining the streets with their super hard sell attitude came as quite a shock. it is a massive price war i tell you. getting a kick out of slashing absurd prices they offer down to an acceptable low. afterall its fake imitations they sell throughout in the form of polos, tees, jerseys. think we stupid ah. i give you best price... i say fuck you.

and the thai massage. so strong is my masseuse that i thought she had broken my spine when she came stepping all over my back. quite relaxing. but certainly pain inflicting at some parts. but afterall 250 baht for a one-hour session is nothing to complain about la. reasonable offer.

and then there's the swimming pool sessions, sun tanning sessions, walking around in slippers everywhere you go, singha and red bull singlets the common uniform across the streets. It is somewhat the ultimate relaxation in the form of resort-style living.

not bad at all.

this year its red and white. again.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.

PERIOD.

chelsea who?

reflections

you see its hard. so hard. to suddenly come in and replace that other guy in her heart. 2 years and 10months. you are barely 3 months there you know. perhaps this is when you should tell yourself nope, your feelings for her are actually not that strong. its only 3 months on the road you nuthead. not even one tenth of what he meant to her if you would justify it quantitatively. so why take things so seriously with overexpectancy right from the start? remember what happened to you the first time round stupid boy. always remember...

but i guessed a person never change just like a leopard never changes its spots. i choose to go into it with all my heart. i choose to take the initiative and make an effort to make things work. the way that i was brought up, what i have been through, and what i have reflected upon and felt throughout my life has taught me never to take things for granted. just as well for relationships. never take the joy and blissfulness for granted. never take her presence beside you for granted. never assume that she will always care for you as much as you would care for her. i always believe in the notion that a relationship takes effort, time and careful thoughts to maintain. and when you are in doubt of what to do, always follow your heart. your heart leads you to where you long to be cos your heart never lies. and i chose to do that exactly. i know i missed her on times when i am thinking of her. i know i am frustrated and possibly flustered on times when i know i couldnt be there for her when she needs my support. i know i am jealous and affected when i see her hanging around so intimately with other guys. i know i long to beat that 2 year 10 months. but as you put your heart into it all, you cant help but hold back that little bit of optimism. you know you might simply not get what you deserved in return. obstacles will factor in. unknowing circumstances will ensue. she might be an angel in disguise. a devil even. and amidst all these uncertainties all might just come down to naught one day. but through it all, you can at least tell yourself that you have tried your very best, expended your every little ounce of energy and shed every single tear to leave with no regrets.

and so be it. i shall continue to pursue it this way and hopefully find the meaning to true love that every single person has always hoped and longed for. it can slip away or it can work out. it can be reciprocated or it can turn into shambles.

but if you have never given, then you can never take. nothing's granted.